In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Blood and glitter go together right?
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
