she woke up with a sticky ear
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
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