Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Randomize
