Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
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