i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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