I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
My ass is underappreciated
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Randomize
