I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
Randomize
