it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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