i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
