3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
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