whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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