So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
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