i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
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