none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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