70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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