Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
