Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
