Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Randomize
