i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
