allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Randomize
