What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
As gay men are we obligated to learn the Single Ladies dance.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
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