i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
worst night to have a conscience
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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