All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I'm bleeding and have questions
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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