You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
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