New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
