Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Randomize
