Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
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