Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
he laminated a picture of his dick.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
Randomize
