I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
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