I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
