I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Randomize
