Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
