I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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