i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
God gave him joint rollers for hands
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Randomize
