his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
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