I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
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