sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Randomize
