i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Randomize
