yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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