Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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