My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
high people should be assigned attendants
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
