I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Randomize
