i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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