I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
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