my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
