That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
How naked do you want me to be?
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
Randomize
