cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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