im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
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