Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
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