I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Randomize