Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
Randomize
