1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Randomize
