just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
