i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
