Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Randomize
