I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Randomize
