its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
