i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Question. If Kwik Trip and Kum and Go were to merge, what would they call it? Kwik Kum or Kum Kwik?
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
