he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Randomize
